UNDER THE MOUNTAIN

Guy’s &$^@#=*!!!

What shitty, shitty mess. I think that if you make movies that requires special effects then you should go around and as for a budget so you can do it right. Everything in this movie when it came to that, actors, costume and story was just way, way, way off. I saw “Black Sheep” this directors earlier project. That was funny and unique. Maybe he saw that Peter Jackson made a bunch of money with fantasy in New Zealand and he tried to follow that trail. The difference is that Peter Jackson made the LOTR trilogy and this guy got some crappy book about redheaded twins that can shoot fire from a stone.

That’s what this movie is about. Twins, firestarters, aliens with tunnels that go underneath the earth (they have wormlike tentacles inside of their arms) and the end of the world. Pretty much tripe in general. I didn’t really follow the movie that well cause I was surfing IMDB to see if there where any other fantasy movies in production. I just wanted to see if there was anything that could even get close to LOTR in the near future that can erase this movie out of my mind.

Guy’s Rating: I’ll rather get the plague then watch this again.

Girl's less harsh review...

This movie was fairly bad, although the plague is worse, in my (and I think everyone else's) opinion. Something about twin Aussie fire crotches taking the screen to hold stones that give them more fire power than they already had in their fierce hair... I don't know why Sam Neil took this part, but I'm guessing he just takes the paycheck and runs from the criticism.

I guess this movie would be considered a children's story, but even a child would find this embarrassing to watch. The villains might look evil, but their one-liners could not hold more cheese if you tried. It's almost laughable if it didn't hurt so much to watch.

Girl's Rating: Fantasies like these give the genre a bad name.

CA$H

Girl's young love...

BOROMIR! You're alive... Oh, how my heart pines for the day we will be together.

Seriously, every time I see this guy in a movie, I relive the awful moment when he dies in the Fellowship. I'm a 14 year old girl again, clutching the seat at the movie theaters... I read the book, I knew he was going to die! Once again, thanks to Hollywood, my adolescent mind was tricked into believing in happy endings.

Concerning this movie, though, he was the only thing good in it. The character development was forced and did not make much sense. A movie like this should not be as ambiguous about their characters' desires as this was. Was the wife wanting to fuck the guy or was she doing it to lure him into submission? To me, it wasn't obvious and it should have been. This is a dramatic action movie, not a psychological thriller. When you don't create clearly defined characters whose actions make sense or eventually make sense, then it appears as though you just didn't do your homework, not as though you are being deep or something.

PS Stupid wife character... You changed your hair colour but did not move from the address you put on the cash payment for the car or the movers from the furniture store? Yeah... that makes sense.

Girl's Rating: I don't think this is worthy of anything, but Sean Bean... You are one SEXY man!

Guy’s review...

So I didn’t know much about this movie than that Sean Bean was in it. It had a pretty cool poster so I went for it.

In this movie Sean Bean shows up in America to visit his twin brother who recently have been sent to prison for stealing over six hundred thousand dollars. His brother tells him that he threw the money out of the window during a police chase and that he hit a Chevrolet with the case holding the money. Sean Bean now tells Sean Bean that he will find the money. He systematecly starts looking for people who recently bought something for cash. After a while he finds a young couple that found his money. Sadly they’ve been able to spend some of the money. This is pretty much where the movie kicks in. Sean Bean want’s every cent back and makes the couple do criminal things to get it.

I don’t know if I found this movie good or bad. Seriously, at some times i was like, Bah! Then on some other occations I found myself laughing or really into the story. Forget about the people who played the couple, they sucked balls. Sean Bean was the only thing to watch here and he was pretty rad.

Guy’s Rating: Sure, why not.

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS II: ALL SAINTS DAY

Guy’s blah blah blah...

I saw this documentary a while back called “Overnight”. It’s pretty much a movie about Troy Duffy the writer and director of the “Boondock” franchise. It shows you how a regular guy turns to a complete asshole after gaining some sort of fame. He had it all and pissed it away. I like the first “Boondock Saints” movie, but this... I don’t know.

This one starts off with a killing of a priest. The father is killed the same way as the boondock brothers kill. They now live in a little house in Ireland with their father. Well, they find out about the killing and go back to clear their names. On the boat back to America, they find a Mexican dude to team up with that is almost as insane as them. After a couple of days they show up, find out that it’s an old rival to their father that is behind all this shit and then kills everybody.

“All Saints Day” is not as good as its predecessor, not even close. The dialogue is stupid, the actors, director and the script. There is nothing saving this and I think it they should have left this movie alone. I guess Troy Duffy had to make this though knowing that this was the only card he was holding. On another note, what has happened to Sean Patrick Flanery’s face? Is it botox or just a broken nose? Either way now he looks like post surgery Kenny Rogers.

Guy’s Rating: Pick up the first one instead.

Girl's crap...

Horrible! That mexican guy made this movie slap-stick and more similar to a B comedy than an action-packed thriller. Whoever gave the A-OK on the script obviously did not read it. They were banking on the following from the last film, but the last film was a fucking movie! Not a shit-show.

It wasn't just the dialogue or the characters or Sean Patrick Flanery's face, it was the music, the choreographic, the costumes. It was like everyone involved in this project went "Fuck it!" The only time saying that works is when you are on set of a Terry Gilliam movie, because chances are it'll make just as much sense as if you were to take it seriously. This is no Gilliam's creation, so they should have taken it seriously! I mean, come on! A mexican and two Irishmen? You've got to be kidding me... That would never happen!

Girl's Rating: Shit. I'm not even going to waste time uploading photos.

DIE HARD

Guy’s Yippie... you know the rest...

If you haven’t seen this movie by now, then you’re either a moron or three years old. I think as a responsible adult, every parent out there should show this movie to their kids as soon as their brains are developed enough to make this their first memory. Who is really a better role model than John McClain?... I’m waiting... See, no one is a better.

So this is clearly the best of the “Die Hards”. It has the best villain (Hans Gruber), the best henchmen, the best setting and the best wifebeater. How did “Die Hard” change my life then? Well, after this movie I understood that heroes didn’t have to be good at karate or kung-fu to beat a bunch of baddies to bloody pulps. They could just be a cop caught in a bad place at the wrong time. I know, I know, John McClain is not just a regular guy, he’s friggin’ awesome but he was different from the Stallones, Arnolds and Bruce Lees out there.

This is for you people out there that haven’t seen this movie yet. Get a fucking move on! You have yet to understand what really good action is all about if you’ve just been watching new movies like “Transporter” and “The Marine”. If you prefer these movies and are thinking that you should stick with them then you are completely wrong.

Guy’s Rating: Always as good as the first time.

Girl's ... kay-yay-mother-fucker...

This movie is fantastic. I believe Guy said it all, and I don't have much else to add...

Except, maybe parents should not make this movie their kids' first memory. Give them a healthy dose of Disney, a few dashes of Pixar, work them into Jackie Chan than hit them with John McClain. And that, sirs, is the proper way to enculture your child.

Girl's Rating: For the win!

U-571

Guy’s review...

First time I watched this was when I was in the DVD business. What does this have to do with anything? The fact is that I brought home all the movies that was laying around in the store. So I called my friend, lets call him the “weird one”. We both loved it, it had so much action and Harvey Keitel.

So these American soldier takes over a German sub to get the fabled enigma codes. After the breach, the sub they came on gets shot down by a German U-boat. Now they have to drive this shitty sub all the way to England through enemy territory.

Sure, submarine movies can be suspenseful and dramatic (“Hunt For Red October", "Das Bot”), but fun and full of action. This movie changed that a little bit.

Guy’s Rating: Still a lot of fun. Depth charges are awesome.

Girl's first-time...

Pretty awesome. Everything a girl could want. Good-looking men. Destruction. Chaos. Heroism.

Girl's Rating: If you haven't watched this movie, you should. It's huge.

GREMLINS II: THE NEW BATCH

Guy’s childhood...

For me and probably for a lot of other people this was a favorite when I was a kid. Sure, there was “Star Wars”, “Goonies” and guys looking for diamonds and treasures but there was this little (big) gem as well. This time for the “Gremlins” viewing we skipped right ahead to the second movie. Not that the first one is bad in anyway, maybe just because we like the second one a tad better.

In this sequel we have girl monsters, a smart one, a flying one, one that grow tomatoes on its face and lets not forget about “Razor” that turns in to a half spider gremlin. The variety of monsters and the comedy is just higher here. One of my favorite scenes out of the movie has to be when they capture the gremlin that has turned into electricity and traps him inside of a phone then puts him on hold.

Another thing great about this movie is Gizmo of course. What kid in his right mind did not want him as a pet? He is so fucking cute that it hurts. Even when he turns all badass and dresses up as Rambo, even then he’s superhero cute (almost even cuter if that was possible). I’m grown now however and know that he’s a puppet and that I will never own a Mogwai... but you can always dream.

Guy’s Rating: Love it...love it.

Girl's rave review...

This might be a child's film, but I strongly believe you can enjoy this film at any age. Except if you are my dad - I doubt he would approve of this. Too close to a cartoon, and he hates cartoons.

Parental unit aside, this movie is a prime example of a sequel that is BETTER than the original. Empire Strikes Back and Temple of Doom (Yes. Doom is better than Ark) being the only other two examples... that I can think of, at least, although I don't doubt that's far from the truth. This movie brings back such found memories, it is not hard to miss any overacting or unnecessary plot lines. You could even go so far as to say there aren't any... although that would be a lie. But I like that lie.

Gizmo is the cutest fucking creature of all time! To my infinite satisfaction, Guy can do a spot on impression of him. No matter what mood I am in, a cute little "Uh oh!" or "Go home now." can tickle me sideways. Guy can also do a spot on impression of Gollum, which somehow creates the same effect on me... Weird.

Girl's Rating: Love it... LOVE it.